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[06 Dec 2009|04:19pm] |
so I don't think i can begin to explain how much of a fucking idiot i am.
it's been almost a year. i know what kind of person he is. i know what he does. i know what he wants. but i still find myself happy to be talking to him everyday.
"ive grown up"
yeah right.
"Calm down, talk to me, what happened?"
that's what he told me last night after packing a bag to drive home.
"i would love you next to me right now"
can someone please tell me why?
why the FUCK do i care?
he's done so much shit to me multiple times. not once, not twice.
and i find myself completely brushing it off because i like the way he makes me feel.
because he GETS me. he knows me. and we're so similar, and i just find it hard to find someone that can understand me the way he does. but he's a dick. and there is no prospect of a relationship. and nobody likes him. and i just hate it.
i hate what i do to myself.
less than two weeks; home, here i come.
can't wait.
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[24 Nov 2009|02:40am] |
It's interesting.
Everybody else's life seems so glamorous when you're on the outside and you sit there and wonder why your life isn't as glamorous. You wonder why you can't get the guy or get invited to the party or get the coolest friends. And then you see their seemingly wonderful lives fall apart. The girl who got the best looking guy is now sitting on the floor, by herself, crying because he just screwed her over. Your friend slept with the guy she liked because she thought he wanted to be with her and then he goes back with his exgirlfriend about three days later. Your other friend hooks up with multiple guys who you have a crush on and then she finds out they were two-timing her so she falls apart. And, through all of this, you've been alone on the sidelines. And now since you've seen everybody lose everything, you know that it was best to be on the sidelines all along.
But then you wonder -- if it was YOU sitting on the floor by yourself crying, would two guys come and try to console you, sit with you until you feel better? Probably not, because I'm not the little skinny blonde girl. It's not a big deal. But you can see right through these guys.
I just know that I don't belong here. Or at least with these people. They're good people, I can't deny that, but they're just not my kind of people. They're the kind of people I didn't like in high school. Everything here is like high school and I absolutely can't stand it.
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[09 Nov 2009|09:54pm] |
okay sooooooo.
it's been awhile.
shit's happened; good and bad.
i was really depressed this whole weekend.
prob because i didnt have my meds. kinda hate it but its better than feeling miserable.
i gained alot of weight. diet/exercise started today. i think i did pretty well.
i decided to stop putting so much energy into boys.
im gonna focus on my schoolwork and my health and my future and everything that makes me happy.
like writing.
who knew i could be creative? it's bizarre to me.
i've written a few mediocre stories and one above average poem.
one girl last week said she loves everything i write. a different girl today said i should be published.
maybe its just them. and even if i'm no good at all, it's such a great compliment.
i think i may be capable of something though.
anyway. things are alright. i'm making changes. and i will be happy.
until next month..
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[14 Oct 2009|02:49am] |
so i really cant believe myself. three guys in one week. i dont know what i'm turning into. maybe it was just this one time. but its scary to me that the things i'm doing don't even phase me as anything intimate anymore. i guess they never really did since the first guy i did "intimate things" with was somebody meaningless and unimportant. but what does that say about me? i'm still a virgin, in the technical sense. and i'm glad that still holds true. i feel like i'm okay with what ive done but i think i'm upset that i'm okay with it. it's just become so commonplace to me; so casual. that can't be good. but i dont do these things to get attention or to get these guys to like me. i do it because i WANT to do it; i physically enjoy doing it. i know i can honestly say that but i feel like maybe nobody else would really take it seriously. but i suppose that shouldn't be of any concern to me; it's my life, it's my body, it's my decisions. i know what i'm doing. it's always so much more fun with a boyfriend though, and i've always known that. but i havent had a boyfriend in awhile and a girl has needs haha so i'm doing what i have to do to feel good and enjoy myself.
these are the things i think about at 3 am.
i dont know what to do with myself.
i'm happy; gotta love meds.
but i love that i can say to my friends here "goodnight, i'll see you tomorrow", and actually see them tomorrow.
i love that we're going to the poconos next weekend.
i joined the secular student alliance and even though there was only six people at the meeting, it's the one thing i've joined that actually makes me feel like i'm learning something about myself. i like where it's headed.
i love my bed at college.
it's 3:05 am, i'm in the lounge by myself with the light off completely sober ... and the irony of that is that four drunk people just walked in.
that's my cue to go to sleep.
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[30 Sep 2009|04:10pm] |
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so, ramapo. i dont even know. the classes are decent but i really really miss brookdale for one reason or another. probably because of lindsay and stuff, and because of how comfortable i was there. but im pretty comfortable here and ive made some pretty good friends so far. we have alot of fun and i like how im comfortable around them. i do miss my parents and stuff but im getting over it. i think i still wish i was a commuter. but i dont know, then id be missing out on alot of things. but right now im happy with where i am and what i'm doing. i'm homesick way less than i'm happy being here. so that's a good thing. can't really complain.
fall is here, it's october, and of course i'm getting nostalgic. but i think that since i'm in a different place instead of at home that i'll appreciate it much more and i wont be sad or depressed or whatever it is i get around this time. it's different though, i'm getting different things out of fall than i usually do. im not immersed in election day and stuff like i usually am at home. there's no driving to brookdale where i have a half hour each way to think about things that may or may not make me sad. it's weird, like it's impossible for me to be sad here. i don't know what it is. i was bummed a little last night from talking to my mom but then i put on a movie and had some time for myself and i was okay. and then dave knocked on the door and pretty soon there was like 8 of us sitting in the hallway talking about nonsense and having a good time. new boy interest. i think there's a new one every week. they're all backfiring so far. i think its best to stay away from roommates, lots of tension. but i'm over it. there's a boy who lives across the hall whose really cute and really smart and funny and adorable and i dont know. i'm not thinking much of it but he doesn't party too much and i like that about him. i need to not party so much. anyway, the only potential problem is that he's super religious, which i respect but i am in no way religious at all, especially since everythings been happening with uncle dino and stuff. but who knows, maybe i can learn something. he may be coming apple picking with us on sunday so that's exciting. we'll see what happpensssssss. it's all in good fun.
this weekend should be fun i think. i was gonna go home but i'm not sure if i want to or not. there's alot going on. party tomorrow night, octoberfest the whole weekend. apple picking sunday. maybe its better if i just stay here. i just miss my parents so much, and kelley too, alot. but i guess it'll get easier. maybe ill go home tuesday night and come back here thursday morning next week. i guess we'll see. as usual.
anyway, i have class in 40 minutes and we have to sign up for apple picking. i need a job. and i love jason mraz.
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[26 Sep 2009|06:12pm] |
so the guy that i have a slight interest in is trying to hook me up with his roommate. story of my fucking life. but whatever.
love being home.
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[18 Sep 2009|02:30pm] |
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i can't even begin to describe how happy i am here. but i am slacking in my studies a bit. got drunk three nights in a row, really not a good idea anymore. but the company is so good and its such good times all the time. met a boy the other night, he's super cute and we have the same major which is cool. we hung out last night and that went pretty well in my opinion but i told him we need to hang out when i'm sober because i get too drunk. we did have fun last night though. this is the first weekend that i'm staying here at school but i'll probably go back next weekend. i miss my family. friends are good and life is good and i love where i am at this point in time.
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[15 Sep 2009|01:25am] |
It's interesting. I feel like I've known these people for so long and it's only the third week. We have such good, innocent, ridiculous fun. Like, we get wasted into oblivion and remind each other the next day of what we did but we also sit on the floor and play jenga for two hours. It's just good times and I really cant believe how comfortable I am with them.
Had my first creative writing class today and it was pretty interesting; I was apprehensive because I don't do creative writing but I think it'll be really good for me and I'm very excited.
I think it's set in stone that Justin is coming this weekend and I honestly don't know what to make of it. I guess I should just move on but I really just want to make out with him so much and it's been awhile since I've gotten anything substantial so I'm getting anxious. Plus, he's the best kisser I've ever had. I guess I should break the news to Rich that he can't come.
Whateva yo. I miss brookdale & i have to go to sleep.
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[14 Sep 2009|01:15am] |
fuck justin.
fuck rich.
i need me a new college boy.
ps - i'm 100% positive that tim kangos is the ONLY person from my graduating class that i could stand being around for more than ten minutes.
love my ramamamamapo friends.
miss brookdale greatly.
just ate a cold eggroll.
i love jason mraz.
i miss my roommate.
hate kanye west.
part of a two million man march on washington this weekend and it completed my life.
class at 9:45 tomorrow and i need to go to sleep.
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[10 Sep 2009|11:58pm] |
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So, even though I'm having a really great time here, I really do miss last fall. Maybe it's because it was back when Lindsay actually TALKED to me or answered my texts. But she has a boyfriend now and I guess people can't be the same way forever. I guess i should be happy for her, but i'd be lying if i said i was. I think i depend too much on people but i really don't think i can help it. eh whatever.
i really really like it here. so much so that i don't even want to go home. but im going to DC this weekend for a protest and i'm super excited.
but i really like it here.
im talking to justin again and i absolutely hate myself for it but i'm gonna keep doing it anyway. he came up last weekend for mark's party but i got way too drunk for anything to happen, i was passed out by like 1. however, he has every intention of coming up to visit next weekend. just him, no alcohol. and im excited. but its awful and i shouldn't be excited. rich wants to come visit too. and rich isn't an asshole so he should be the one i choose. but who knowsssss? i really like it here.
my roommates aren't too bad, one is awesome, the other is kindaaaa iffy but i'm dealing. can't complain i guess. i have a really bad feeling that alot of procrastination will take place this semester. but hopefully ill be okay. i cant believe how different things are. everything will be okay.
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[10 Sep 2009|01:31am] |
two rum & cranberry juices
one apple vodka & hawaiian punch
one beer
volleyball
wonderful friends
mix 'em all together and you get a damn good time.
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[04 Sep 2009|03:58pm] |
so i'm at ramapo. haven't even been here a week yet and i want to go home. dont get me wrong, i'm enjoying it for the most part. i've only had two classes but they seem interesting but i dont have any books to do any homework. it just gets boring when there's nothing to do in the afternoons. my class ended at 1, we're waiting for some people to get out of class so we can go to the mall or something and there's a party tonight at 10.
guess we'll seeeee.
i just miss my mom alot. and my sister. should be okay i guesss. ugh i just need some real food.
im tired.
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[24 Aug 2009|01:38am] |
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soooo it's been forever since i've used this thing.
this summer has been absolutely amazing. working alot. studying alot. PARTYING ALOTTTTT. parties all the time, every week. many many hungover mornings at work. love it. such good times, such good friends. getting ready to go to ramapooo, i can't believe i'm leaving home. i'm actually really excited right now, i thought i'd be nervous. i think it's gonna be a nice change though. brookdale went by so fast and i met some amazing people there but i know ramapo will be that much better.
i need to lose like 80 pounds. and i need to start going to bed before 3 am. prob wont' happen now that i have a laptop. im tired as fuck though.
mmm sooo boy situation update perhaps? hooked up with a 25 year old at chris's party. that was thrilling. almost hooked up with a 16 yr old who looks like he's 21. fml, good thing that didn't happen. he was gorggg though. still talking to rich. it's shitty, i'm awful to him. he def wants to be my boyfriend and i like being with him and stuff and he's a good kisser but he's not good enough for me and thats all i can really say. he knows i dont want a relationship with him and all that. he got upset when he found out i hooked up with someone else but he knew i wasnt doing anything wrong and i didnt care that he got upset but as soon as i see him talking to other girls, i get bent out of shape. i'm such a hypocrite. he's not getting anything more from me than a hookup and stuff but i expect him to treat me like his girlfriend. its so shitty of me. he's my backup; he's who i go to and hang out with when there's no other guy to talk about and that's ridiculous of me to do that. but ive been doing it and i probably will continue to do it. on a similar note, there's this guy dan i work with who ive kinda always had a thang for but he's had a gf for like 98 years but they apparently broke up so we talked for a bit via FB chat and it was a short conversation but he asked me if i was going to eugene's party tomorrow, which i am, and he is too apparently. so thats pretty exciting that he's gonna be there. i guess we'll see what happens with that. i dont want anything weird to happen though because he was in a relationship for awhile but it could be a good time. we shall seeee. i'm sure there will be lots of boys at ramapo.
so i saw adam awhile back and we hung out for like 8 hours and it was great and i got all these weird feelings and then that was settled and i saw him again a few nights ago at Jala's and it was totally different. like im sooo over it and im so glad. stupid boys.
anywayyyyy. tomorrow should be funnnnn. lunch with josh & carla and then some shopping perhaps and then francis's partayyy with cute boy! love life =]
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[08 May 2009|10:51am] |
& I'm peacin the dale in approximately two days.
I'm far from happy about that.
Mama's gone till tomorrow night. I've been up since 5 and I'm so tired. Summer is next week. I can't believe it.
I don't know.
So many things. Scared and nervous.
Party soon.
Matt. I like him.
Diet; lost two pounds. Only eight more to go.
Last math class today. I'll miss my class and my teacher terribly.
Had my last official ehtics class on wednesday but there's still one more honors one on tuesday so i didnt have to say goodbye just yet.
I love my professor, probably one of the best people I've ever met and one of the best teacher's I've ever had.
I think I'm going home soon to sleep.
I'm gonna ask matt to come to my party.
I still have too much shit to do.
My prof said my ethics paper was really good and that made me very happy.
I need straight A's again.
Incoherent.
Improv tomorrow night? Such good stuff.
My ex boyfriend is a whackjob.
But Adam may come to my party.
I can't believe Brookdale is almost over.
I don't know.
I am entirely too sleep-deprived.
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[28 Apr 2009|08:16am] |
So the class that I'm not even officially registered for is the one I love the most. But I always get there way too early.
Started a diet yesterday. I want to lose ten pounds by May 27th. So far so good, we shall see how the end of the week goes. But I'm pretty disgusted with myself.
It's gorgeous out today. And I love it. Everyone's going to the beach but I can't because of class and homework but it's okay because I hung out with them five days in a row. Need some time off. School's over very soon and it's so crazy and I don't want it to be over at all.
I got a second job for the summer and I'm excited but it doesn't start until July so I have nothing to do for a month and a half. Hopefully I can party it up before work starts. Whatevsss..not much of a fan of drinking anymore anyway.
Adam called me hot the other night and it was quite flattering and I hate myself for thinking about it too much. But i'm not falling apart over it.
I really love my philosophy professor. And I have to go to class.
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[15 Apr 2009|10:43am] |
Pop died. Wake's today, funeral tomorrow. Can't go to the funeral because of a job interview. It's probably better off that way. I'm not going to say much, but I will miss him alot. He was like the grandpa I never had.
On a happier note, I'm getting a new phone today and I get to see Rachel for an hour. Love her.
Just took a math test; I think I did alright. Probably an A or a high B, hopefully.
Adam texted me on Monday and we talked for a good amount of time. Fuck my life.
I really have no idea what else to say except that I'm really hungry.
And that's that.
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[10 Apr 2009|11:05am] |
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in approximately 55 minutes, i will be enjoying lunch with some of the best people i have ever met. and i really cannot wait at all.
i need to stop getting drunk. because vomiting in the ihop bathroom after only six beers is not ideal at all.
i need to stop calling adam whenever i get drunk, even though i enjoy every minute of the conversations. fuck my life.
and we talk at least every other day now. and the other day he texted me and we talked for like an hour and then he facebook IMed me and we talked for like two more hours. and the conversation was really good. like, probably one of the best conversations i've ever had with him even after all this time. and we talked yesterday. and he called me at like two am because he was drunk but i didnt answer and then he texted me. and i dont know. mama thinks that he's gonna try to get back together with me at some point. i kind of hope he does. but i dont really know...i mean at this point, it would be impossible to maintain that relationship, especially since he's not coming home for the summer. but i'm assuming that he'll be home this weekend for easter so it would be nice if he asked to hang out or something. but im not counting on anything. i honestly just think im frustrated because i keep meeting shitty guys and none of them work out and he's the only one that i still feel i can click with and i'm so comfortable around him. i don't know. i really don't at all. i have a crush on a boy from one of my philosophy classes and that's fun because he's gorgggggeous and wonderful. but again, i'm not counting on anything at all. at this point, it's just something to look forward to on tuesday mornings.
this weekend should be relatively calm and i'm quite excited. i'm not planning on doing anything tonight. tomorrow i'm working 7 until noon. going home, and then going back in at 5 and working until 9. then prob just relaxing after that. sunday is easter and jenn & her fam are probbb coming over. but i need to make katie time because i miss her terribly. saturday afternoon good for you, girlfriend?! i know you read this so i expect an answer ;] .
lindsay pisses me off. and that's all i'm going to say about that.
my family is wonderful. my friends are wonderful. everything is good, but i need to start getting A's again. i'll be fine though.
"hey stephen, boy you might have me believin' i don't always have to be alone"
i wish i knew a boy named stephen. but ill cut out the stephen part and apply to remaining part of the sentence to my current situation. and we're good.
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[03 Apr 2009|01:40pm] |
I think that I want to change the world.
It's certainly a feat but I really want it to happen.
I wish money wasn't so important.
I wish the only thing that mattered were my family, my friends, good grades, and beer.
Even though drinking probably isn't my best bet after two weekends ago.
But tonight will be fun.
I want a boy. I really want a boy.
And not just any boy.
I want a cute boy. That can outsmart me. And argue with me.
And disagree wtih me. And challenge me. And educate me.
I want to learn from a boy. I don't want to feel better than him.
I want to feel inferior. I need someone better than me.
I want someone better than me. But not JUST better than me.
I want him to feel like I'm better than him, just so I can say he's not.
I want a boy that can take me out for coffee while we catch up on the latest political news.
I want a boy who GETS ME. Who understands that I'm not crazy, just passionate.
I want a boy who knows what's important to me. I want a boy that can criticize me.
And one that I can take home to mama. One who doesn't like barack obizzle.
Or maybe he does, but he'll respect me for disagreeing with him.
I want someone who can appreciate school.
And see the beauty in philosophy and literature.
Not one whose just going to class to get by. One who makes the most out of education.
One who loves his mom. One who drives a shitty car but works alot.
One who respects that I'm still a virgin. One who doesn't just want a blowjob.
He'll see people the way I see them and he'll understand why I feel the way I do about the world.
He'll take me home to his family and be proud of me. And he'll introduce me to people.
He won't have to tell me I'm beautiful or sexy or smart because his actions will prove to me that he feels that way.
He won't have to do cute things or send mushy texts or call me just to say goodnight.
He'll just understand me. And he'll just love me.
But, since I've failed at finding him thus far, I'll probably just have to wait until I meet my husband. Because I'm pretty sure thats the type of guy I will marry. And I think it'll be worth the wait.
Anyway. Tonight should be really fun. Hibachi @ 6:30 and then cards & beer & mojitos at my casaaaa. Can't wait!
I hate losing people I love.
I will lose someone I love probably by the end of this month. And I'm having a great deal of trouble accepting that.
I'm too nostalgic. I wonder if Adam ever reads this. He always wanted to. But I never told him how to find it. I wonder if he figured it out. Doubtful. I've been missing him alot lately. And that's probably because I don't have anyone of worth in my life right now. Besides my wonderful wonderful friends, of course.
Can't wait to go to Ramapo in the fall. I'm nervous. But I'm excited.
Everytime I see someone from high school, I really just want to puke all over them because I despise everyone so much.
SO MUCH.
Anyway. I think I'll go home and sit on my ass for four hours until I have to meet everyone for dinner. Tonight will be wonderful.
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[27 Mar 2009|11:27am] |
fuck vodka. never drinking that again.
my party was kickin. adam came and it was actually really nice seeing him and we hung out and he drove me to the diner and drove me home and all that nonsense and it was really nice and then i started getting all these weird feelings like i may like him again or some shit. but it would honestly be impossible for us to get back together, so it's probably alot better this way. i just think it's my frustration with meeting all these dunce guys instead of really awesome ones haha it really is horrible. but whatever. spring break was pretty good, generally uneventful. except for my party and dave's party on saturday night where i drank too much vodka. not drinking for a long time. school started back up and i'm glad because i was going crazy. i need another job, asap. it's terrible. fam is in florida; parents are coming back tonight. i had the house to myself last night so that was fun. dave and eugene and laura came over and we played cards or something until like 130 and that wass a bad idea because i had class early this morning. whatev. i dont know really whats going on in my life. things are kind of at a standstill. i dont need parties or anything like that, i just think i need something solid. maybe a relationship. a really good relationship. lindsay kind of disappeared since she started dating paul. and i could use a really good, smart, nice guy. i know it'll happen eventually but i think that's what i'm looking for right now. i guess i shouldn't be looking for it. but its kind of hard not to. whatever.
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[13 Mar 2009|10:37am] |
I am completely lost without my iPod. It perished this morning, but only until I plug it into the computer.
Anyway, things are great as usual. Partayyy this weekend, but it's the last one until the summer because my parents are getting weird, understandably. School is wonderful and all that nonsense; my grades are phenomenal. I miss my Lit class terribly, though. My philosophy class is amazingggg and I'm going to the honors one on tuesday mornings just to learn more because I didn't know an honors class was offered until it was tooooo late so I missed out. But hey, I get to go and not have to worry about the work. But I wish I did have to worry about the work because I love all of it and Im the biggest fucking nerd in the entire world and i wouldnt have it any other way. all my other classes are goood. can't wait to transfer to ramapo though, it should be good times i think. i guess that's it about schooool....moving on.
boys. yeah.
so many.
well maybe not that many. only one slightly significant one. that boy from my history class was kickin but he's not being very responsive so whatev, moving on. i finally figured out the name of the boy who was in my philosophy class from last semester and we've kindaaaa been talking but eh idk he's not my type, i'm learning. but he said he'd come to the party so whooo knows. jeremy reiley asked me to hook the other night and it was fuckign weird as hell. no thank you. been talking to shawn reu but i'm pretty sure i dont like him, though he may have a thing for me. or i could be giving myself too much credit, who knows. also steve's friend john caminiti is pretty coool and we hung out like three weeks ago and that was good and we pretty much talk everyday. he goes to pace so he hasnt been home but he comes home today for spring break and hes coming to the party. steve told me that john likes me but hey who knowssssss. we'll see what happens. been talking to adam a little bit. he facebook IMed me last night and we talked for like an hour. interesting, he's coming to the party too. i hope that's not too weird. i got a tad nostalgic last night though and i started thinking about what would happen if we got back together, though i'm pretty sure that won't happen. but it should be interesting seeing him. let's seeee...oh..we had a mini partay at eugenie's like two weeks ago and i got drunk and kissed a half black/half puerto rican boy. NOT my thannggg and now he won't leave me alone. fuck my life. but i'd be lying if i said i didn't like the attention. but whatev, i think that about sums up my boy sitchhhh.
the partyyy should be pretty damn kickin, there's like 25 people coming. including nicole & justin and i'm so excited to see them. speaking of justin, i told levy he couldnt come to my party because he's a dick and he got real pissed and now im officially done with him. i really really dislike him so i'm glad. all his friends are coming thoug hahah so funny. whatevvvvvv.
i went to chuckie cheese with dave and alex the other night to play games. yeah, it definitely is as fucked up as it sounds.
anywayyyy i'm waiting for lindsay and she'll prob be here soooon so that's it.
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